My Hidden Sin

I don't know why it is that we always have to be hidden in conflict.  My father was sent to the hospital tonight.  I was so scared and nervous that something had happened.  They said that he could possibly have had a heart attack.  Part of me, in a sense, wished that something SMALL would happen.  Why do I feel like there needs to be something always wrong with me?  Something upsetting must always be happening. I prefer it that way.  I don't understand.  Why do I feel this way?  Why do I want my own father to have something wrong with him so that I can feel comfortable in being upset about something?  I hate that I feel this way!  I hate this sin and this desire that creeps in.  I don't want it anymore.  I have made it a part of me for so long.  I want it to be gone now.