I am so over it.

So I found out yesterday that my mom might have diabetes.   This sucks.  I have to keep it a secret until we get all the test results back.  I just wish that my family could get past all this crap.  I am so over it.  I try my best to get past all this stuff but how can I if this stuff keeps happening.  How is this fair?!?!?!?!?  I can't believe all this crap is happening.  I know God has a plan, but i don't know if I am able to keep going like this.  I do trust God.  I know that he knows what he is doing.  I just wish he could heal something in my family.   My family has to start eating more healthy with is good.  I just wish it could be different.

Do I Resist?

I think that I have tried really hard to leave my emotions out of my relationship with God, but I am having a really difficult time with this idea.  I think that I will for a while.  Today's Coram Deo has had me thinking a lot about my whole relationship with God!  Do I resist him and what he wants to do in my life?  Or do I resist Satan and do what God has called me to.  I don't know...

Dignity of Causality, Vulnerability, and Disclosure

Why would God put limitations on himself for me?  What have I done to deserve this kind of love?  Why does God give me value to such a high degree that I can change him?  Why do i deserve this?  What have I done?  Why me?  I am a gross creature and an ugly beast.  I despise the things of good.  I wish to live in my own puke.  I treat others as though they don't matter.  I love not.  I am an emotional human, why would  God want to spend time with something like this?  I read into everything.  I don't make time to spend time with him, why would he want to spend time with me?  I haven't given him a reason to love me.  Yet he stands there with his arms wide open.  Just waiting.  Waiting for me to run into his arms.  But why?  Does He not know that I won't run.  I am afraid.  Afraid of what people will think of me.  Afraid of what they might say.  I am a coward.  How can he just stands there?  He says over and over, come come come, I love you.  But God I am disgusting!  You don't want to love someone like me!   Oh but he does.  No matter what I do.  No matter how gross I might THINK I am.  He takes the things that I so desperately hate about myself and He makes it beautiful.  He loves me so much that he doesn't care if I lie, or cheat, or if I curse him.  He loves me. Not the me that I love, the good faithful me.  But the coward.  I am fake and yet he loves the part that I hide.  I pray when people watch me.  I read my Bible when others notice.  And he loves it.  He doesn't care.  He wants me.  All of me.  Not only some, ALL!  

Encountering God in a Slideshow

I was at the church all day on Saturday for Camp Farthest Out.  We were just hanging out and we went into a prayer meeting with a bunch of people.  I got in the center of the group and I asked for healing.  They began to pray with me and encourage me.  Everything they said I had already heard.  It wasn't anything new.  I went back to my seat disappointed.  I closed my eyes and I started picturing everything that I had gone through.  Moments when I was going to spiritual warfare and was screaming, when my old pastor gave me $20 after threatening my family and said sorry, when my parents told me that they were going to get a divorce because of ministry.  This slideshow just went through my mind over and over.  It finally stopped and I heard God say to me that He was there with me, through it all.  I didn't believe him.  He then replayed the slideshow except in every picture it wasn't just me.  God was holding me.  In all of them.  I grabbed me when I was screaming, he grabbed me when I was broken, he caught all my tears when I cried.  I remember everything so vividly, except that I don't remember the hurt I can only remember God's loving arms.  I literally can't remember anything else but that!!! Can this be possible?  Every memory that I have that makes me who I am is completely wiped away.  I do not remember!

I can't fix it

The have thought a lot about what I wrote last.  I began to hate myself for the way that I think.  How can someone wish for something to be wrong with their life?  I have prayed and prayed about it all weekend.  I have come to realize that this could be why i am never able to get over stuff.  I think pessimistically.  I am never going to be able to work through some things if I keep up this thought process.  I am kind of glad that I was able to write this stuff though, because I know now what is wrong and how I can fix it.  I want to be completely healed from my past!! The only way I know how to do this is just to continue to trust God.  Which a lot harder to do by the way.  I feel like I am about to hit a wall, that I am not sure I am ready for.  I am trying to be.  But I am trying to do this all on my own and I know that I can't do that.  I have been telling myself that for a while.  I don't know what I am supposed to do.

My Hidden Sin

I don't know why it is that we always have to be hidden in conflict.  My father was sent to the hospital tonight.  I was so scared and nervous that something had happened.  They said that he could possibly have had a heart attack.  Part of me, in a sense, wished that something SMALL would happen.  Why do I feel like there needs to be something always wrong with me?  Something upsetting must always be happening. I prefer it that way.  I don't understand.  Why do I feel this way?  Why do I want my own father to have something wrong with him so that I can feel comfortable in being upset about something?  I hate that I feel this way!  I hate this sin and this desire that creeps in.  I don't want it anymore.  I have made it a part of me for so long.  I want it to be gone now.

Purpose for Blogging

I have never blogged before.  I have no idea what I am doing.  Just decided that it was time that I start telling my story.  It isn't for the readers purpose that I blog.  I think that in my life, so many things have  happened and I can't comprehend all of it.  I wish I could remember the different trials and great things that happen to me.  My life isn't all about the ending but it's the journey that makes it so great!  My emotions and decisions go up and down constantly, but why?  Why do I feel like crying, or being angry helps my situation any?  Are my emotions trying to tell me something that I didn't know before.  I watched the new season of the "Bachelor" last night, and there was this girl on it, she was ridiculous.  All she did was cry and cry and cry.  It was the first week and I thought this girl was going to make me tear off my ears.  It was crazy!  Isn't that how my life is now.  The journey hasn't even started and I already want to quit because I can't see what is ahead of me.  I don't like not being in control of my life and the decisions that I make.  I either walk forward and move across this wall that I have put up myself, or I go back to who I was and never get other this junk in my life.
I am starting a fast on Monday.  I am so excited to see what God is going to do and what He is going to say to me and do through me.  I am ready for God to move in my life.  I need it.  I need His love and grace.  I want to spend every waking moment with Him.  He deserves all of the praise and glory.  I am nervous though.  Last time I did a fast it did not go the way that I wanted it to go.  It was the hardest month of my life.  Today God asked me something and I am not sure if I am ready to answer it.  He said, "Becca, will you worship me even if it's not easy?  Will you still want to give me praise?"......I don't know. I want to say yes with all my heart.  But if I am honest I don't know.