I can't fix it

The have thought a lot about what I wrote last.  I began to hate myself for the way that I think.  How can someone wish for something to be wrong with their life?  I have prayed and prayed about it all weekend.  I have come to realize that this could be why i am never able to get over stuff.  I think pessimistically.  I am never going to be able to work through some things if I keep up this thought process.  I am kind of glad that I was able to write this stuff though, because I know now what is wrong and how I can fix it.  I want to be completely healed from my past!! The only way I know how to do this is just to continue to trust God.  Which a lot harder to do by the way.  I feel like I am about to hit a wall, that I am not sure I am ready for.  I am trying to be.  But I am trying to do this all on my own and I know that I can't do that.  I have been telling myself that for a while.  I don't know what I am supposed to do.