Dignity of Causality, Vulnerability, and Disclosure

Why would God put limitations on himself for me?  What have I done to deserve this kind of love?  Why does God give me value to such a high degree that I can change him?  Why do i deserve this?  What have I done?  Why me?  I am a gross creature and an ugly beast.  I despise the things of good.  I wish to live in my own puke.  I treat others as though they don't matter.  I love not.  I am an emotional human, why would  God want to spend time with something like this?  I read into everything.  I don't make time to spend time with him, why would he want to spend time with me?  I haven't given him a reason to love me.  Yet he stands there with his arms wide open.  Just waiting.  Waiting for me to run into his arms.  But why?  Does He not know that I won't run.  I am afraid.  Afraid of what people will think of me.  Afraid of what they might say.  I am a coward.  How can he just stands there?  He says over and over, come come come, I love you.  But God I am disgusting!  You don't want to love someone like me!   Oh but he does.  No matter what I do.  No matter how gross I might THINK I am.  He takes the things that I so desperately hate about myself and He makes it beautiful.  He loves me so much that he doesn't care if I lie, or cheat, or if I curse him.  He loves me. Not the me that I love, the good faithful me.  But the coward.  I am fake and yet he loves the part that I hide.  I pray when people watch me.  I read my Bible when others notice.  And he loves it.  He doesn't care.  He wants me.  All of me.  Not only some, ALL!